domingo, octubre 24, 2010

What you mean to me

Let me reassure you, I will.
It seems we lost in space, in time, now is just another day.
And letting the days go by, we win in space, in time.
I don't know how to act. No matter how much I try
All I know is you're the one I can't be without.
And this puzzle, I can't hide.
We'll be together in the summer time
Please hold the earth above me, lay down in the green grass.
Wait until tomorrow, wait until next time.
Don't say good bye to me,
we can't hold the feelings which are crossing the brain
So I'll just open the window, and fly away.
You're my lover, I'm your peer.
It's about space and time.
No matter how much I'll try, I'll try and I'll try.
You keep me in mind, there's nothing else in mine.
Just another day telling you what you mean to me.
And you meant for me much more, than anyone I've met before.

Many songs sings the words I want to tell you every morning, every night.
But none of them, sings it all. I don't even know if I can sing them all.

martes, octubre 19, 2010

Nothing is the same after tonight

We can't expect to feel good by following any kind of motto. We grow to obtain the approval of others and the system, but when we try to think different we don't fit in. Maybe there's not such a thing as an objective model of making your life valuable. And that's the point, it has to be meaningful and valuable to you, not to others. So I hope to find and answer being strong about my convictions and my faith.

So the social agreement we made to create a more productive society, really made us reject the power of struggling with ourselves, and accept we can't be and do what we really want, when in fact we just need to want it bad. We created the illusion of just one and only individual in the form of a colectivity, that way we could give up to that responsibility we always feel, but trying to hide it couldn't be the real answer. "You know that you're doing it. You know it's not a good thing. Not doing it would make you feel better. You know that by doing it you won't win anything, or have any fun. You wish you could stop it. You finally manage to stop it, and feel so much better without it. However, you never learn the lesson, and start doing it again the very next day. No, it's not heroin addiction, it's procrastination"

What else besides social and political institutions can show us the human seek for objectivity around the world? Institutions set what we're suposed to be, what we're supposed to have, and how we're supposed to get it. I'm more than willing to transform that with a conscious approach to all kind of knowledge and perspectives, in order to find out my convictions and my faith. In order to face the struggle with myself. I'll try to remember that I need to remember and I gotta fight it.

I see some kind of connection in most of the things we don't usually think about when I think about them, and I know sometimes I can be a little bit confusing. It seems that one thing has led me to another consecutively. I'm about to challenge conventional and traditional beliefs when such beliefs lacked roots in logic and reason. Everything is connected and nothing is the same after tonight.

domingo, octubre 17, 2010


The story can be told in different ways, and not everything we do has the same explanation around the world. If I accept that truth, the question would be: How to explain, in that logic, these group of things we do and we can't explain why we did it? Those things we don't rationalize that we understand as instinct. I've been thinking about how the process of building a relationship, of any kind, is really determined by the way we exchange our experience in the world: the way we speak, the way we eat, the way we do things. It comes to my mind when we were kids and our needs were really basic, but then when we grow up to find new ones already established, there's not much we can do to avoid them. I just think we give more importance to the ones that depends on others believes, than those born from the depths of our being. Sometimes influences are so strong that can even transform what we are and I think that's nice, because it can be determined by the most unusual things, like a talk about the smell and the way we breath, it could get to be really expansive and to me that's just awesome.

I introduced what I'm about to expose this way, because when I don't rationalize things that I do with others and I'm not thinking about the results or benefits I can get, I'm being real. So that's why I wish I could be myself all the time, and I also believe that if your spirit can at least orbit around one single person in the world, that should make you feel blessed. I know I could get many different results from that, but thinking about it before I do anything is just not worth it. I'm not saying people shouldn't have hope; hope is different from calculation. You loose that incredible experience of the unknown, and then you're not surprised by anything because you start to do everything as a machine. I'm not saying that everybody is gonna make a huge impact in your life, I'm not saying that's the way it is supposed to be. I'm just saying that is nice to be willing to accept that, that's all.

When you get the experience of having a first unintentional contact with somebody and after a while you find out that this thing has grown up so much, that is a connection far beyond the boundaries of time and space, you feel alive. Even if some of the things you do in life are mechanical, that tiny little moment of your life gives it more meaning than anything. Fortunately, I've experienced that and thinking about the main subject here, wich is how to understand the things we do without a plan different from instinct, I found out that one of the best and most valuable sources of happiness in my life has been one single moment, with one single person. Wich for sure I would've rejected to live if I would've thought it was right or wrong. Not because I think I can make that statement, just because I would've been confused. Throwing myself into water, I learned to swim. And my confusion didn't even need to be solved. Anything is bad or wrong, is just the way it is. So my next question would be: How can something so beautiful and truthful be born from an impulsive act? and How can I transform the "Follow your instinct" motto to something meaningful?

Well, I've been reading about the "humans have no instinct" subject, in order to find a different perspective, and what I found out is that many people have decided to believe in this while many others don't. One perspective says we don't have instinct, because that's an animal behavior, and humans are different from animals. Another one says everytime we have to rationally choose from an action to other. A third point of view says that what we understand as instinct is really our culture, that we created needs and its logical responses to build society. Instincts become different tendencies to respond in a certain way to an event, whose possible occurence have been thought previously. I'm not trying to give an answer to this question, because I'm more willing to make more questions about it. What I do believe is that we don't need explanations to many of the things we try to explain, so we need to understand that some forces we can't see, we can't explain, but those forces have real impact in our behavior. Those are our real motivations our drive.

Freud's drive theory, is "based on the principle that organisms are born with certain physiological needs and that a negative state of tension is created when these needs are not satisfied." So we practically need needs to have drives, but my entire life I've noticed that we're trying to reduce and solve our needs, so by doing that we're just trying to reduce our motivations. When I imagine a world without needs, I feel it would be kind of boring. But the next second I think that, I remember that my needs could be way different from others, and I also think it could be easier for some people to solve their needs than for others. I have many kind of needs, and some of them I'm not able to solve with money, or any material object. There are so many boundaries, and I've been trying to blur them. So no matter where the situation, the culture, the context put us, if I can get any conclusion out of all this, right now my motto would be just "drive".

lunes, octubre 11, 2010

Exchange the experience

Sometimes is difficult to speak about your most deep feelings because we actually think a lot of things at the same moment, about the same subject, and that makes us feel different about everything.. Different parts of us speak together and the things we think can easily change. We fabricate the image of what we are so the few people that stand us don't get tired of us, and it's sad becouse sometimes we're so afraid to be rejected, that we keep most of the things we'll love to tell the world about, to ourselves.. Or maybe we're just shy, we're all the same. More than one person in the world is asking the same thing as you.. We are all connected.. We don´t have to create ourselves to others, we just have to share it. Say the world: I'm here, that's all.

The first time I missed someone for real, I had this feeling of losing something inside of me, I felt like it was never gonna be the same.. And I was wrong, the feeling didn't went away, it became stronger because it was real.. I started to share it, without any other idea but being true to myself, not just trying to get along with someone or be accepted. The response is never known, we can believe many things but we're never gonna be sure. The answer must be in the attempt. So I believe in change as a way of transforming who we are, and I believe that if I'm willing to share that I'm not different, that I feel the world in this way or another, others are willing to do the same. So we don't have to be haters if we're willing to accept that fact, nature connects us in such unbelieveable ways.. that just blurs the picture and reveals what is hidden..real time will never get us..

I'm far of trying to be selfish about this. At the very beggining of the story, this issue is really showing us the question about how to start sharing what we are, and how to let go the idea of trying to build role models in society. This is at least, a question about the individual aproximation to cultural imperialism. But, why will I say something like this? How the hell is this related to the personal growth bullshit I just talked about?

First point, something I heard this morning:"humans have no instinct" Well, I get a little bit confused since I've always thought about instinct like something more or less similar to the knee jerk reaction, properly called the patellar reflex. An automatic response to something, and this automatic response happens to be involuntary, unintentional. So there I found the answer to my confussion. Because if the second one is unintentional, having no meaning in the field of consciousness, the other could be located on the oposite side. Then I found out that instinct has this properties: is common to all species, is a form of adaptation, is complex, wich means is a process with several steps to be made, and has a global meaning that compromises all the organism.

Second point, related to the one and only property that I'm interested in: instinct as a form of adaptation. Differents aproximations to the understanding of humanity have agreed that in order to replace some biological shortcomings, that makes us unable to live in nature in the primitive way that it was given to us, humans developed the ideas that supports what we understand as instincts today, the well known instincts of survival and reproduction. These ideas made possible the triumph of civilization.

Third point. "Humans have no instinct" Asuming the risk of being deterministic, I must say that I believe the triumph of civilization stands in the biggest lie ever.. If we think about it, survival is not the natural instinct of helping the members of my specie. And let's avoid the topic of reproduction, because I truely believe I don't have to explain how people are having their sexual relationships nowadays, is not the result of this instinct. The idea of cooperation for the development of a social group really hides a dependence relationship that we created because we are not able to survive counting only on us. This could be the explanation for the different ways of understanding the social behavior of each culture.

Fourth point. Cultural Imperialism is a way to go back in time and convince people they're not able to do it their way. Too many time has passed since we got here, and that's a fact. But still some time remains to us, no to fight against what we already are, but to understand we can always transform ourselves. We are sons of this civilization and there are many good things we've taken to the growth of our souls, and in others we can also find our answers. So please, don't accept the fact that your culture is the right one, don't try to change someone who believes in a different spiritual guide, don't try to impose a way of seeing and understanding the world, because when we start repeating a lie and we repeat it many times, we are going to end up believing.

Bottom line:
This is not just personal growth bullshit, is just the truth that I want to believe by now..

miércoles, octubre 06, 2010

Rid of me

I don't wanna make a big deal out of this..but I'm not different, I'm just another normal regular girl, who happens to be delightful to a few people and hateful to others..But that's not important, since the few people make a huge difference and impact in my life, I don't need to pay atention to the haters, I don't wanna know them and I couldn't care less about them..But you see.. that's kind of like the root of my question.. If I, as a delightful character to few people, started to think what can explain the existence of the haters, I'll be truely seeking for an explanation about something everybody knows but tends to forget.. We're no different, so what can explain the existence of the haters, are we all haters? I know I can be annoying making all this questions, a part of me believes that there's no reason to write something like that. I mean everybody has the right to think what they like, but me.. I'm not different.. The other part really likes to discover a new me every day..

I used to play the cello, and I played in an Orchestra, I left it when I started my career but I remember that I loved to play.. I mean I never ever knew how good or bad I was, but I loved it. I truely enjoyed the feeling of creating sounds using that beautiful instrument, and yesterday I had this weird dream about it: I went back to the orchestra one day and there was much more people than when I used to go, so I said hello to the director and he asked me to join them. I took my cello with me and when I put it out, I noticed the strings were broken so I tried to fix them but it was imposible, so he told me to use another one since they were waiting for me to start the rehearsal. Well I took the other one and I broke the strings, I was so sorry about it, I mean I was kind of like crying, when I started to do something, trying to fix the strings they became fabric strips.. at that point I was aware I was dreaming, but I didn't want to know what happen next so I decided to wake up..

I've been thinking about that dream a lot, and I feel that I'm afraid to know the truth about myself, and I think we all are.. that's why it's kind of difficult to think about what it would be like to live with ourselves, with our truth. We fabricate the image of what we are so the few people that stand us don't get tired of us, like we do.. And by creating that image we just have a display, no more.. So I think maybe, since we create ourselves to others, we're really hating on us, and that's kind of sad.. I didn't want to know what was next in my dream, because I know what is next, I'm living it.. I just didn't want the other part of me to remember it, I was just hating on me..

So what? we choose to believe in the inventions we create, and everybody does it, I'm not different.. But why is it so difficult to create ourselves for ourselves, not for others? that's my real question.. Life is mine to create and when I choose to believe what I am, I'm really chosing which part of me is going to be the lead character. I think we shouldn't feel the other part different from us, we just have to accept who we really are in order to find who we can be.. I began to write this because I've been thinking about my life as a story I created. And I worry I can lost my memory, because everything I do stands on my memories, everything that I believe in, all the people that I care about, and all the things that allows me to be the way I am. Well thinking about this I understood that this things I've mentioned are not what I am, this things are the result of what I've been living. Chaplin put it this way: "we shouldn't be afraid to confront ourselves, even the planets collide and from chaos stars are born."